Quotes by Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.