Funny Quotes from the Bartimaeus Sequence

Funny Quotes from the Bartimaeus Sequence

The Bartimaeus Sequence is a series of young adult novels of alternate history, fantasy and magic. It was written by British writer Jonathan Stroud and consists of a trilogy published from 2003 to 2005 and a prequel novel published in 2010.

According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking.
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
It was Nathaniel's boundless capacity for stating the obvious that made him so charmingly human.
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
"I warn you," the boy went on. "I am a magician of great power. I control many terrifying entities. This being you see before you" - here I rolled my shoulders back and puffed my chest up menacingly - "is but the meanest and least impressive of my slaves." (Here I slumped my shoulders and stuck my stomach out.)
Jonathan Stroud - 2: The Golem's Eye
He was transfixed at the sight of the lords and ladies of his realm running about like demented chickens.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
One magician demanded I show him an image of the love of his life. I rustled up a mirror.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
Despite his crimped shirts and flowing mane (or perhaps because of them) I had seen no evidence as yet that Nathaniel even knew what a girl was. If he'd ever met one, chances are they'd both have run screaming in opposite directions.
Jonathan Stroud - 2: The Golem's Eye
Ambition is all very well, my lad, but you must cloak it.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
A dozen more questions occurred to me. Not to mention twenty-two possible solutions to each one, sixteen resulting hypotheses and counter-theorems, eight abstract speculations, a quadrilateral equation, two axioms, and a limerick. That's raw intelligence for you.
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
By now, in his mid to late teens, he might just about have passed for a man. When seen from behind. At a distance. On a very dark night.
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
"Have you a name?"
"A name?" I cried. "I have MANY names! I am Bartimaeus! I am Sakhr al-Jinni! I am N'gorso the Mighty and the Serpent of Silver Plumes!"
I paused dramatically. The young man looked blank. "Nope never heard of you. Now if you'll just-"
Jonathan Stroud - 2: The Golem's Eye
Hey, we've all got problems, chum. I'm overly talkative. You look like a field of buttercups in a suit.
Jonathan Stroud - 2: The Golem's Eye
Minor magicians take pains to fit this traditional wizardly bill. By contrast, the really powerful magicians take pleasure in looking like accountants.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
"Much has happened since last we met, Bartimaeus," he went on. "Do you remember how we parted?"
"No." I did.
"You set light to me, old friend. Struck a match and left me burning in a copse."
The crow shifted uneasily beneath the cleaver."That's a gesture of endearment in some cultures. Some hug, some kiss, some set each other on fire in small patches of woodland."
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
Jabor finally appeared at the top of the stairs, sparks of flame radiating from his body and igniting the fabric of the house around him. He caught sight of the boy, reached out his hand and stepped forward.
And banged his head nicely on the low-slung attic door.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
Burned and squashed to death in a silver vat of soup. There must be worse ways to go. But not many.
Jonathan Stroud - 3: Ptolemy's Gate
I had a chance at him now. Things were a bit more even. He knew my name, I knew his. He had six years' experience, I had five thousand and ten. That was the kind of odds that you could do something with.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
Watch where you leave your victims! I stubbed my toe on that.
Jonathan Stroud - 1: The Amulet of Samarkand
"I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered."
"What! How long has it been?"
"Five minutes. I got bored."
Jonathan Stroud - 2: The Golem's Eye

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"Well," Lockwood said, "if you judge success by the number of enemies you make, that was a highly successful evening."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 2: The Whispering Skull
Dave: "You're not our leader."
Lucy: "No, but I know what I'm doing, which is a nice alternative."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
Lockwood: "Never touch a mummified body part if you don't know where it's been. That's my motto."
George: "Holds true with unmummified ones too. That's the motto I live by."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
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"Really?"
"No. I'm being ironic. Or is it sarcastic? I can never remember."
"Irony's cleverer, so you're probably being sarcastic."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 1: The Screaming Staircase
It was a time of beginnings and a time of endings.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 5: The Empty Grave
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Stop worrying about the past. The past is for ghosts. We've all done things that we regret. It's what's ahead of us that counts.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 1: The Screaming Staircase
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Making tea is a ritual that stops the world from falling in on you.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
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I wasn't pretty, but as my mother once said, prettiness wasn't my profession.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 1: The Screaming Staircase
In my eyes, refusing cake is an immoral act.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
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I don't know how old the man was... but he was definitely closer to coffin than crib.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 3: The Hollow Boy
"Is it just me," Kipps said, "or does that boy need punching?"
"It's not just you."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
"Looks?" the skull said. "Who cares about that? It's superficial. Outward appearance doesn't interest me at all. Why do you think I hang around with you?" It chuckled. "Insult aside, that's just one way in which I'm superior to every one of you, except for Cubbins."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 5: The Empty Grave
"It wasn't the body," he said. "I've seen worse things in our fridge."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 2: The Whispering Skull
"Plan F, we follow Plan F, right now."
"Is that the one where we run away?"
"Not at all. It's the one where we beat a dignified emergency retreat."
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 2: The Whispering Skull
Nothing could keep me from you. Nothing in life or Death...
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 3: The Hollow Boy
1
It was one of those moments when a great Don't Care wave hits you, and you float off on it, head back, looking at the sky.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 1: The Screaming Staircase
At Lockwood & Co., George was famous for not being able to throw or catch with any accuracy. Back in the kitchen at Portland Row, even the casual passing out of fruit or bags of chips became an exercise fraught with danger.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
1
It was higher and shriller than Holly's, so we knew that it was Kipps.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 5: The Empty Grave
1
This was classic Lockwood. Friendly, considerate, empathetic. My personal impulse would have been to slap the girl soundly around the face and boot her moaning backside out into the night. Which is why he's the leader, and I'm not. Also why I have no female friends.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 2: The Whispering Skull
1
What, are you queuing now? Just how British are you people? Don't just stand in line! Kill somebody!
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
Well, when you're being held at gunpoint by a geriatric madman in a metal skirt, you've kind of hit rock bottom anyway. It can't really get much worse.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 1: The Screaming Staircase
Let's have the baddish one first,' George said. 'I prefer my misery to come at me in stages, so I can acclimatize on the way.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 5: The Empty Grave
A warm feeling filled me. It was made of tea and biscuits and sudden gratitude.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
George had his faraway look, the one that made him look like a constipated owl.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 3: The Hollow Boy
1
Who says I'm dying? Did you see the amount of sheer effort it took me to escape the land of the dead? I'm not going back in now!
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 5: The Empty Grave
Ignoring the whispers of the skull, which kept suggesting different, unlikely kitchen utensils that could be used for murder, I sketched out a map of the room.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 3: The Hollow Boy
1
A true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.
Zeus in Hercules
11
Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside you.
12
He, who asks a question is a fool for five minutes. He, who does not ask remains a fool forever.
3
The witch in 'Hänsel and Gretel'... she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it!
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2

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