Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 5
This is my lucky St. Paddys Day suit. I have dry-cleaned many stain out of this baby.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-calypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.St. Patrick's DayBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
Marshall: "What the hell happened?"
Barney: "I said no questions asked."
Marshall: "Star, clover, horseshoe... Barney, did you swallow real versions of all the Lucky Charms items?"
Barney: "No questions asked! Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying. I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare."
There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 10
Barney: "He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!"
Lily: "He's exactly like Barney."
Barney: "That's what I just said."
Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
[to Lily, Robin, Ted and Marshall] Huh... yes, offense!
Don't knock long-distance relationships, I really think they can work. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark. And Kelly on 34th street. The last thinks I'm a humble sheep-shearer from Kelani.Long-Distance RelationshipsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 15
There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'.
Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'.
Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'.
Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream.
Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello!
Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'.
Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'.
Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih!
Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'.
Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
'The '69 Chevy'!
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.HalloweenBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 6
Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 3
I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 17
Woman: "How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?"
Barney: "And I said my name was...?"
Here's the thing about me and tools: The only one I know how to use, is attached to me. And I'm not gonna try putting it in a TV... again.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 19
I am not "with" Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be "on" Nora, right? Or "under" Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: "behind" Nora.SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 18
If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.PenissesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 17
She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 17
February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.Valentine's DayBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 16
I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6
You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.RelationshipsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 7
Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome."Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.Macho-Jokes, FishBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak "I-never-get-laid".Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 21
There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that "boutonniere" is french for "booty is near"?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 9
She really had a fat but: her fat butt!Puns, Fat PeopleBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 4
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.
You lie to your husband all the time...
"That shirt looks great on you."
"I love your mom."
"I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it."
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Lily: "Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one..."
Barney: "Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!"
Lily: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!"
I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 12
Marshall: "You're really telling me, that when you watch 'The Karate Kid', you don't root for Daniel-san?"
Ted: "Who do you root for in 'Die Hard'?"
Barney: "Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character."
Lily: "Okay, 'The Breakfast Club'?"
Barney: "The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit."
Robin: "I got one. 'Terminator'."
Barney: "What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill these people?"
Never buy a girl flowers, 'cause giving her a living thing reminds her of babies.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
God. It's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 7
Barney: "Check it out, I made a little game."
Lottery Girl: "And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19..."
Barney: "...age you moved to New York after a photographer 'discovered' you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine."
Lotto Girl: "53..."
Barney: "...number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine."
Lotto Girl: "22..."
Barney: "...age you claim you are."
Lotto Girl: "31..."
Barney: "...age you actually are."
Lotto Girl: "45..."
Barney: "...number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi."
Lotto Girl: "And tonight's Super Big Ball is..."
Barney: "...what happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up?!"
He has got to go. You need to be like:
You are the weakest link goodbye!
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art, didn't work for me.
You're times up.
I have to ask you to leave the mansion.
You must leave the chateau.
Your tour ends here.
You've been chopped!
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house.
Your desert just didn't measure up.
Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen!
You did not get a rose.
You have been eliminated from the race.
You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front.
Oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a "what up?"-quake!
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.LiesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 19
Barney: "I only smoke in certain situations. Postcoital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlap, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, precoital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year and pregnancy scares."
Ted: "Why are you smoking right now?"
Barney: "I'm always precoital, Ted."
Ted: "She was 15?!"
Barney: "No. A 15. Like in blackjack."
Ted: "As in.. not sure whether you'd hit it?"
Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old.SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible... we're gonna get Cirque du so-laid!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 1
Think of me as Yoda - only, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 5
It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is