The best Quotes by Barney Stinson (Page 3)

Barney: "Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal. Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!"
Ted: "I'm not wearing a suit."
Barney: "Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson 3: Don't even think about getting married until your 30."

Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for "the one" again. The only time I wanna hear you saying "the one", is if it's followed by the word "hundred".

Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you that hard and then disappear, was LeBron James!

Lily: "We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun!"
Barney: "I can't go. I've got this thing."
Lily: "What thing?"
Barney: "A penis!"

I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it: Buck-naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?

You don't bring a date to a wedding, that's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.

Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. Girlfriend, that's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed.

Ted: "Oh hey, where are you guys?"
Barney: "We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college."
Ted: "Stripclub... nice!"

Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-bodyfriends, we'll be there.
Any time, a girl wants to solve her father-issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there.
Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting 'what's up New York?', we will be what is 'up' New York!

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story!

Lily: "Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me."
Barney: "Yeah. Lily, you know I can't promise that"

Barney: "Wow, Ted. You're gonna have to find a new member for yourself, cause I'm revoking your dude-membership."
Ted: "Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?"
Barney: "Invigorating... thanks."

There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.

Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!

I am not "with" Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be "on" Nora, right? Or "under" Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: "behind" Nora.

If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.

There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?

Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!

I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

God. It's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome!

Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible... we're gonna get Cirque du so-laid!

It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is
...dary!

When Mom was a groupie in the '70s, her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock. Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs:
ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"? Originally "She's Got Eggs".
Led Zeppelin? "Scramble On".
Steve Miller? "The Yolker".
If you listen to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss 'til the third date. By our third date, I hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.

Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday Night Drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend is a self five and I don't mean the cool kind. Self-five! That's the cool kind.

The Bro Code has been around for centuries. Nay... whatever's more than centuries.

Ted: "So, you are mad about me and Robin holding hands."
Barney: "Of course I'm mad Ted. Holding hands is like the fourth grade equivalent of banging. Well in your case, twelfth grade. Self-five!"

Robin: "I can't believe my great grandparents still do that."
Barney: "And I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking."

Ted: "Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam."
Barney: "I'm sure he's quite a ball handler."

Ted: "Cleveland sports are still relevant! 'LeBron who?' Right, guys?"
Barney: "Ted, neither you, nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them."

Ted: "Those Robin's boobies?"
Barney: "When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!"

Ted: "You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin."
Robin: "If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy."
Barney: "I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!"

Quinn: "I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?"
Barney: "Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in."

He let me have her. I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine.

Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.

Zoey: "Don't worry Ted, she's cute."
Barney: "'Cute' means 'fat'!"
Zoey: "She's not fat."
Barney: "'Not fat' means 'ugly'."

Lily: "How did you do it?"
Barney: "Oh God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one! Wait, which one did you find?"

Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.

What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!

Ted: "I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork."
Barney: "And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?"

Every year, there are a million new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars and call me "glass-half-full"... but I think they're getting dumber.

Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!

My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

Marshall: "The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore."
Barney: "Name two places where things get stuffed."

Marshall: "Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!"
Robin: "For who? A witch building a house in the forest?"
Marshall: "Sugar helps me study."
Barney: "This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend."
Lily: "What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?"
Barney: "And your mom was perfect."

Barney: "I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake."
Ted: "You're talking about her boobs, right?"
Barney: "Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!"

Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.

You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey baby, wanna pluck?"