I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.
How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.
When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a p0rn0 is, my real life has better lighting?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 23
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.
Ted: "Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup."
Lily: "Half the length of the relationship."
Marshall: "One week for every month you were together."
Robin: "Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes."
Barney: "You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!"
Seriously. Jesus started the whole 'wait three days'-thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, 'Hey Jesus, what up?' and Jesus would probably be like, 'What up? I died yesterday!' and then they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude...' and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like 'Uh okay, whatever you say, bro.'
And he's not gonna come back on a saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: three! Plus it's sunday, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there 'Oh no, Jesus is dead', then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!
You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!CheerleadersBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 7
Marshall: "Let the dinnertainment begin!"
Barney: "That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'."
Every year, there are a million new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars and call me "glass-half-full"... but I think they're getting dumber.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 4
Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 4
My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 3
Marshall: "The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore."
Barney: "Name two places where things get stuffed."
So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from "Metro News One" last night!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 17
Barney: "Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?"
Marshall: "So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?"
Barney: "Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!"
Marshall: "Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!"
Robin: "For who? A witch building a house in the forest?"
Marshall: "Sugar helps me study."
Barney: "This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend."
Lily: "What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?"
Barney: "And your mom was perfect."
Barney: "I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake."
Ted: "You're talking about her boobs, right?"
Barney: "Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!"
Barney: "Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal. Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!"
Ted: "I'm not wearing a suit."
Barney: "Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson 3: "Don't even think about getting married until your 30."
Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 1
Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for "the one" again. The only time I wanna hear you saying "the one", is if it's followed by the word "hundred".Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey baby, wanna pluck?"Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 21
I guess, if we're splitting hairs, then technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex-having-purposes.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 2
Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you that hard and then disappear, was LeBron James!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Ted, your throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs!BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 18
I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 5
Lily: "We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun!"
Barney: "I can't go. I've got this thing."
Lily: "What thing?"
Barney: "A penis!"
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it: Buck-naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favourite, is six hours in: You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 12
Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 12
There's kids playing hockey in the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma-Girl-Free-For-All. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and soar abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 16
Lily: "We're going to Atlantic City to elope - right now!"
Barney: "Oh, congratulations Lily! Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell?"
You don't bring a date to a wedding, that's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.HuntingBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. Girlfriend, that's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Whats your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch "Love... actually" until your periods sync up?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
Ted: "Oh hey, where are you guys?"
Barney: "We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college."
Ted: "Stripclub... nice!"
Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-bodyfriends, we'll be there.
Any time, a girl wants to solve her father-issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there.
Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting 'what's up New York?', we will be what is 'up' New York!
Know what time it is? It's do-o-clock, lets ride!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 13
"Crutch down and bend over a little bit."
Barney: "Wow, It took five shots of tequila to have you in that position."
Ted: "Do you have a cold?"
Barney: "I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out."
Talking to a woman that you have already had sex with, is like changing the oil on a rental car!SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 14
Lily: "Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me."
Barney: "Yeah. Lily, you know I can't promise that"
Barney: "This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30."
Ted: "Sleep with a prostitute?!"
Barney: "No, lose your virginity!... What up?"
Think about it, this is perfect.
a) It'll make Robin insanly jealous
b) You get to have sex with her
c) Maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that cortisens are people too
and d) B! All night long!
Barney: "Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better. Triple-threat: hotter and bigger boobs."
Ted: "That's only two?"
Barney: "Count again!"
Sorry buddy, wish I could help you, but my hands are tied. Oh no wait, that was last night!HandsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
Barney: "Wow, Ted. You're gonna have to find a new member for yourself, cause I'm revoking your dude-membership."
Ted: "Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?"
Barney: "Invigorating... thanks."
Very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose... to turn my front on her. What up!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11