The best Quotes by Barney Stinson

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney: "Our wedding is gonna be legendary."
Robin: "No wait for it?"
Barney: "I've got you, I don't have to wait for it anymore."

Underneath all of those lies is one true thing. One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and that's the fact that I love you.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story.

This woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to, and there have been times that I wanted to.
It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing.

Barney: "Ted what is my one rule?"
Ted: "You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?"
Barney: "My other one rule."
Ted: "Flax seed relieves upset stomach?"
Barney: "My other one rule."
Ted: "Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?"
Barney: "My other one rule."
Ted: "Labanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there."
Barney: "My other one rule."
Ted: "New is always better?"
Barney: "New is always better!"

Ted: "My mother is not one-night-stand material!"
Barney: "Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing."

Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said 'oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty', but Ted really liked her, so we played 'Have You met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends - lame.
Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either - lame.
Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud.
Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up. Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes', so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy.

Barney: "Let me choose your child's middle name! Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time."
Marshall: "What's the middle name?"
Barney: "Wait for it."
Marshall: "I'm waiting."
Barney: "Wait for it."
Marshall: "I said I'm waiting."
Barney: "Wait for it."
Marshall: "What's the middle name?"
Barney: "No, the middle name is 'Wait For It'. Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, 'Barney'. He'd be Barney 'Wait For It' Eriksen. How awesome is that?"

Ted: "Barney! I'm allowed to miss them, okay? They're my two best friends."
Barney: "I'm your two best friends!"

Robin: "I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?"
Barney: "I guess cause you're almost as messed up as I am."

Seriously. Jesus started the whole 'wait three days'-thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, 'Hey Jesus, what up?' and Jesus would probably be like, 'What up? I died yesterday!' and then they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude...' and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like 'Uh okay, whatever you say, bro.'
And he's not gonna come back on a saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: three! Plus it's sunday, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there 'Oh no, Jesus is dead', then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!

Think of me as Yoda - only, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Canada also helped in two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes and best of all - you.

Barney: "Fine, we'll just have a nice, tasteful rehearsal dinner. Maybe at a French restaurant, I know just the place."
Robin: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
Barney: "La Sertag."

I only have one rule. For every three 10's you bang, throw a bone to a 5. They're grateful and hard working and let's face it, sometimes you just want to lay there.

It's nice that they found each other. Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?

You know, it's funny. Almost every woman I've ever met was wrong to give me a chance. You're the first woman who's wrong not to.

Neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!"
Because it really will be good to see you.

Airport Security: "How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?"
Barney: "No questions from the audience, please!"

This guy he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old. There are only a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them.

There's something that I need to ask you and I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?

Ted: "Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup."
Lily: "Half the length of the relationship."
Marshall: "One week for every month you were together."
Robin: "Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes."
Barney: "You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!"

I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country. And Lufthansa. 'Der Bro Code' is, like, huge in Germany.

Lily Aldrin: "Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer."
Barney Stinson: "Finally we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam, it just looks sloppy."

Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense. Oh, you're from Canada, right. If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let François... what I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy!

Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets.

The last play you'll ever run.

Come on Ted, it's 2012. What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore? None of those things exist anymore!

Are you aware, that breaking a broath can have deadly- even fatal repercussions?

The boobs on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down
The boobs on the bus go up and down, all through the town

Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Barney: "How's the single life?"
Ted: "I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low."
Barney: "Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty-nine?"

You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we, and by we I mean you, get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk.

Quinn: "What is an executive strategy coordinator?"
Barney: "It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck."

Marshall: "Lily dream-banged someone we know."
Barney: "Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife."
Marshall: "That movie only came out two years ago."
Barney: "What movie?"

If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl. No matter how many boobs she has.

Back boobs! The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style... patent pending.

I'm KFC baby - you don't mess with the Colonel's recipe!

Fine I'll fill her in and I am so angry I am not even goin' to make a joke about "filling her in"... which I did three times last night. Self-five!

Ted: "In a city of eight million people, you happened to walk into the club where she works? Maybe it's destiny."
Barney: "No, Destiny strips at 'The Melon Patch'. They're people, Ted. Try to keep them straight!"

Ted: "Oh, screw 'The One'!"
Barney: "What?"
Ted: "Every date I've been on lately has been brutal. Last week, I went out with a girl whose favorite band was Glee. Plus, it's almost Valentine's Day and I'm alone without anything close to a girlfriend. So... all aboard!"
Barney: "I have never been more proud of you."

Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait, are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut up, Lily! I'm in charge now... Dary!

Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. There's the "Father Knows Breast", there's the "Bush Dynasty", the "Lick Father, Lick Son".

You could help a friend, but instead you're choosing the hot girl in the tight tank-top. Your training is complete, I'm so proud of this kid!

Judy: "Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old."
Robin: "Whoa, they grow big out here."
Barney: "And here's your phone number back."

Ted: "Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard."
Barney: "Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas."

Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.

Barney: "On your tombstone, it will be, 'Lily Aldrin. Caring wife. Loving friend. Slapbet-Commissioner.'"
Marshall: "And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marhsall so hard he died.'"

Ted: "Where does this girl live?"
Robin: "We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney to commit. I'm guessing Narnia."