Quotes by Barney Stinson

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

I've been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star.

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Canada also helped in two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes and best of all - you.

Barney: 'Fine, we'll just have a nice, tasteful rehearsal dinner. Maybe at a French restaurant, I know just the place.'
Robin: 'What's the name of the restaurant?'
Barney: 'La Sertag.'

Barney: 'Your challenge is accepted Lil, there is no girl too pretty
For I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City.'
Ted: 'You can't anoint yourself the king, just like that jerk, LeBron.'
Barney: 'He left the Cavs three years ago. Bro, give it up, move on.'

When Mom was a groupie in the '70s, her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock. Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs:
ZZ Top's 'She's Got Legs'? Originally 'She's Got Eggs'.
Led Zeppelin? 'Scramble On'.
Steve Miller? 'The Yolker'.
If you listen to Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

Marshall: 'What the hell happened?'
Barney: 'I said no questions asked.'
Marshall: 'Star, clover, horseshoe... Barney, did you swallow real versions of all the Lucky Charms items?'
Barney: 'No questions asked! Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying. I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare.'

Lily: 'I'm not paying for room service the hooker ordered.'
Barney: 'I've been there.'

Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss 'til the third date. By our third date, I hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.

Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday Night Drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend is a self five and I don't mean the cool kind. Self-five! That's the cool kind.

I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country. And Lufthansa. 'Der Bro Code' is, like, huge in Germany.

This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus. And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

The Bro Code has been around for centuries. Nay... whatever's more than centuries.

Ted: 'So, you are mad about me and Robin holding hands.'
Barney: 'Of course I'm mad Ted. Holding hands is like the fourth grade equivalent of banging. Well in your case, twelfth grade. Self-five!'

Robin: 'I can't believe my great grandparents still do that.'
Barney: 'And I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking.'

Barney: 'Our wedding is gonna be legendary.'
Robin: 'No wait for it?'
Barney: 'I've got you, I don't have to wait for it anymore.'

Lily Aldrin: 'Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer.'
Barney Stinson: 'Finally we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam, it just looks sloppy.'

Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense. Oh, you're from Canada, right. If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let François... what I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy!

When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

Underneath all of those lies is one true thing. One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and that's the fact that I love you.

Barney: 'Ted what is my one rule?'
Ted: 'You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'Flax seed relieves upset stomach?'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'Labanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there.'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'New is always better?'
Barney: 'New is always better!'

Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets.

I only have one rule. For every three 10's you bang, throw a bone to a 5. They're grateful and hard working and let's face it, sometimes you just want to lay there.

Ted: 'My mother is not one-night-stand material!'
Barney: 'Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing.'

The last play you'll ever run.

It's nice that they found each other. Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?

Come on Ted, it's 2012. What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore? None of those things exist anymore!

Are you aware, that breaking a broath can have deadly- even fatal repercussions?

You know, it's funny. Almost every woman I've ever met was wrong to give me a chance. You're the first woman who's wrong not to.

Neither one of us are gonna say, 'Hey, how's it going?' or 'Good to see you!'
Because it really will be good to see you.

In this fall - this is tough. In this fall I'm going to take my talents to Mouth Beach.

Sticky's even sent me a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser. It's clean and dirty at the same time.

This woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to, and there have been times that I wanted to.
It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing.

Ted: 'Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam.'
Barney: 'I'm sure he's quite a ball handler.'

Ted: 'It's the Drunk Train! You crossed out all the stops and wrote Vagina-Ville.'
Barney: 'That's not true. That one says Boner Gardens.'

You've been a hell of a wingman. And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.

I've got a new bro, a bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. He buries bones all day. No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: he's a dog! I've named him Brover.

Ted: 'Cleveland sports are still relevant! 'LeBron who?' Right, guys?'
Barney: 'Ted, neither you, nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them.'

I know this hurts little buddy, but you'll love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart, but not that bitch's window.

Ted: 'Those Robin's boobies?'
Barney: 'When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!'

The boobs on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down
The boobs on the bus go up and down, all through the town

Bro, bro, bro your broat, gently to the bar
Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and...

Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

Ted: 'You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.'
Robin: 'If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.'
Barney: 'I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!'

The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!

It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.

Robin: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'Are you sure you're not just getting fat?'

Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.

Quinn: 'I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?'
Barney: 'Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.'