The best Quotes from As Good As It Gets

You make me want to be a better man.

Receptionist: "How do you write women so well?"
Melvin: "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."

When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then, of course, you spoke.

People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch!

Carol: "Do you want to dance?"
Melvin: "I've been thinking about that for a while."
Carol: "Well?"
Melvin: "No."

Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

If there's a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know.

Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for any reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

Well, a girlfriend once told me never to fight with anybody you don't love.

With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 60.

Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.

After all, I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

My baby belongs to me!

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. What women like is to be a man's last romance.

There's nothing that stupid men fear more than intelligent women.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.

Actually, I wanted to stop being mean. But everyone else has to stop being dumb first.

If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.

A bl*wjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.

Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

Your cells age at half the rate of a normal human. When you're 40, you'll still have the leucocytes of a teenager.

I will escape for every innocent woman whose life was stolen.