The best Quotes by Andrew Glouberman

I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection.

I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind.

My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.

Andrew: "Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance."
Nick: "What? First of all, I think he's got that wrong. Either that or you have grossly misquoted him."

Those girls are gonna eat him alive, and then barf him out because they're bulimic.

Jay: "How else are men supposed to get bj0bs?"
Maury: "You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, 'Dinner is served'."

If I was gonna f*ck a turkey, I would warm it up, like a goddamn gentleman!

"Sorry, bro, she wants a real man. Ninth grade, top of the food chain."
Nick: "Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain."
Andrew: "Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the food pyramid with the food chain."

Andrew: "When you do kiss a girl, to make it official..."
Nick: "...there's gotta be tongue!"
Andrew: "Major tongue."
Nick: "You want to flick your tongue around."
Andrew: "Ideally."
Nick: "And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers too."
Andrew: "Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve."
Nick: "Yeah. We know what we're talking about."
Andrew: "It's nice to talk like men."

I am not a kid, for your information. I am 60 years old. I remember when Moses was president.

You're gonna sit on his face and use that hair as a seat belt.

Puberty Fairy?! I'm the hormone monster. I'm no fairy. I mean sure I like to f*ck around with dudes, but I'm no fairy.

Nick: "I mean until Trump got elected, Harriet Tubman was going to be on the $20 bill."
Andrew: "Oh yeah, what happened with that?"
Nick: "I think it's gonna be Papa John now."

Gay Town sounds fun, but I've thought a lot about it, and I belong in Biami.

I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day you'll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.

You somehow made farting even cooler!

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote. And I think this red bra scares both of us.

What is the point of research papers? Every thing's on Wikipedia, and it's all completely accurate.

Kids just don't nut like they used to.

I'm like Young Sheldon... if he fed.

Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts. You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!

Wrong? We're in Florida. The state bird is a chicken finger.

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.

A two-state solution is the only way to guarantee the long-term security of both the Israeli and the Palestinian people.
To make sure Israelis and Palestinians alike live in equal measure of freedom and dignity, we will not give up on working towards that goal.

We must, without equivocation, denounce antisemitism.
We must, without equivocation, denounce Islamophobia.

To all of you hurting: You belong.

You're all America.

The vast majority of Palestinians are not Hamas. And Hamas does not represent the Palestinian people.

There is no justification for terrorism. My commitment to Israel's security and the safety of Jewish people is unshakable. The United States has Israel's back.

I don't know for a fact what happened, but I'm not surprised. There's not much that happens in Russia that Putin is not behind.

If I were Prigozhin, I'd be careful what I ate. I'd keep my eye on my menu.

The midterms are one of the most important elections in our lifetime. This isn't a referendum this year, it's a choice - a choice between two vastly different visions of America.

My fellow Americans, on Saturday, at my direction, the United States successfully concluded an airstrike in Kabul, Afghanistan, that killed the emir of al Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, who was deeply involved in the planning of 9/11.

How much more bloodshed are we willing to accept? Enough, enough, enough. This time we really have to change something.

Smile, but with your p3nis.

I just wish you could see your d1ck the way I do.

I mean, maybe if it's animated we can get away with it.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"

What can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.