Quote from American Pie (Jessica)

Quote from American Pie (Jessica)

If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Jessica in American Pie

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My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

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When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you f*ckers learn anything in college?

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It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. What you want is a partner to return the ball.

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Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

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No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

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Finch: "So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?"
Stifler's Mom: "Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?"

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom in American Pie - 1

Stifler's Mom: "You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy."
Finch: "Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris."
Stifler's Mom: "And the pool table."
Finch: "And the car."
Stifler's Mom: "And the two-room suite I have upstairs."

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Finch: "Oh, Jeanine!"
Jeanine: "Call me Stifler's Mom!"

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Jim, get some f*cking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 1

I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad in American Pie - 1

She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

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Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away!

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Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.

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Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Jim: "Here's an easy one, okay: 'Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion.' Attractive: ugly."
Oz: "Fun-loving: insane."
Kevin: "Unlisted age plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'."
Jim: "No, 'charming' is old. 'Older' is really old. 'Youthful mind' is dead."

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Singles & Dating

I say, why don't you guys locate your d-cks, remove the shrink wrap, and f*cking use them!

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Jim: "Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think that underneath all the 'f*cks' and 'sh*ts' and 'blow me's', there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think."
Michelle: "Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain."

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Michelle: "How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?"
Jim: "How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?"
Michelle: "I'm still a nympho."
Jim: "Well, I'm still a perv."

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You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

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Finch: "Let me handle this. These are my people."
Stifler: "They're gay?"
Finch: "No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated."
Stifler: "So, they're gay."

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Homosexuality & LGBTQ+

I would like to make an announcement - there is a gorgeous woman mast-rbating on my bed!

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Jim, you're the only guy I know who's d-ck needs an instruction manual.

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You realise we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

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Jim's Dad: "Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it 'making love'?"
Michelle: "I don't know. I just call it 'boning'."
Jim's Dad: "Boning? Well, when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?"
Michelle: "Horny, like I wanna bone."
Jim's Dad: "But, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear."
Michelle: "Oh, you've never tried it?"
Jim's Dad: "I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion."

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Stifler: "Mother f*cker!"
Finch: "Yes I am."
Stifler: "Oh, you son of a b*tch!"

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No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

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Cadence: "Okay, Frodo."

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This one time, at band camp...

Michelle Flaherty in American Pie - 1

God bless the internet!

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Michelle: "Good Jim. Oh, you're making me wet."
Jim: "Holy shit, really?"
Michelle: "No, I was just saying that so you could practice."

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This is my first time, since my first time.

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Stifler: "There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?"
Jim: "What am I supposed to do, Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?"
Stifler: "Yeah!"

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Time without purpose is a prison.

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I had nothing but time. Endless time. At first, it was madness. Then enlightment. Then madness again. But perhaps it was a gift. I could see the life of time. And as I watched the life of time in all its fleeting, terrible light, I wondered, had I lived? Was I just the object in another's story? Was that all I ever was? Could I be more? I had nothing but time and still no answer. Time without purpose is a prison. I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity. Perhaps the mind of God. And found nothing but silence.

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Your cells age at half the rate of a normal human. When you're 40, you'll still have the leucocytes of a teenager.

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I will escape for every innocent woman whose life was stolen.

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