The best Quotes from American Pie

I got some scotch. Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom in American Pie - 1

Whiskey

We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad in American Pie - 1

Vicky: "I want it to be the right time, the right place."
Jessica: "It's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex."

American Pie - 1

"Dude that chick's a MILF!"
"What to hell is that?"
"M-I-L-F: Mom I'd like to f*ck!"

American Pie - 1

My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Kevin Myers

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you f*ckers learn anything in college?

Steve Stifler

If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Jessica

It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad in American Pie - 1

Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

Michelle Flaherty in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

Michelle Flaherty

Sex Turkeys

Finch: "So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?"
Stifler's Mom: "Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?"

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom in American Pie - 1

Stifler's Mom: "You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy."
Finch: "Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris."
Stifler's Mom: "And the pool table."
Finch: "And the car."
Stifler's Mom: "And the two-room suite I have upstairs."

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Finch: "Oh, Jeanine!"
Jeanine: "Call me Stifler's Mom!"

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom

Jim, get some f*cking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 1

I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad in American Pie - 1

Masturbation

She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away!

Steve Stifler

Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad

Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Jim: "Here's an easy one, okay: 'Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion.' Attractive: ugly."
Oz: "Fun-loving: insane."
Kevin: "Unlisted age plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'."
Jim: "No, 'charming' is old. 'Older' is really old. 'Youthful mind' is dead."

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Singles & Dating

I say, why don't you guys locate your d-cks, remove the shrink wrap, and f*cking use them!

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 1

Jim: "Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think that underneath all the 'f*cks' and 'sh*ts' and 'blow me's', there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think."
Michelle: "Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain."

Michelle Flaherty in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Michelle: "How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?"
Jim: "How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?"
Michelle: "I'm still a nympho."
Jim: "Well, I'm still a perv."

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Michelle Flaherty

Finch: "Let me handle this. These are my people."
Stifler: "They're gay?"
Finch: "No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated."
Stifler: "So, they're gay."

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Homosexuality & LGBTQ+

I would like to make an announcement - there is a gorgeous woman mast-rbating on my bed!

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Jim, you're the only guy I know who's d-ck needs an instruction manual.

Steve Stifler

You realise we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

Jim's Dad: "Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it 'making love'?"
Michelle: "I don't know. I just call it 'boning'."
Jim's Dad: "Boning? Well, when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?"
Michelle: "Horny, like I wanna bone."
Jim's Dad: "But, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear."
Michelle: "Oh, you've never tried it?"
Jim's Dad: "I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion."

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby!

Steve Stifler

Oz: "All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit."
Stifler: "I dunno, man, that... sounds like a lot of work!"

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 1

Stifler: "Mother f*cker!"
Finch: "Yes I am."
Stifler: "Oh, you son of a b*tch!"

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

Kevin Myers in American Pie - 1

Cadence: "Can I see the ring?"
Stifler: "Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket."
Cadence: "Okay, Frodo."

Cadence Flaherty in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

This one time, at band camp...

Michelle Flaherty in American Pie - 1

God bless the internet!

Paul Finch in American Pie - 1

Internet

Michelle: "Good Jim. Oh, you're making me wet."
Jim: "Holy shit, really?"
Michelle: "No, I was just saying that so you could practice."

Michelle Flaherty

This is my first time, since my first time.

Jim Levenstein

Stifler: "There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?"
Jim: "What am I supposed to do, Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?"
Stifler: "Yeah!"

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 1

Hey Stifler, why dont you grow a sack, fill it with some balls, magically sprout a d-ck and start f*cking yourself in the ass?

Paul Finch in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Vicky: "Hey, Kevin. I want to have sex."
Kevin: "Now?"
Vicky: "Prom."

American Pie - 1

I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady.

Chuck "Sherminator" Sherman in American Pie - 1

My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Stifler: "Observe the f*ckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?"
Jim: "He uses the f-word excessively?"
Stifler: "Thanks man."

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Jim: "Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!"
Oz: "She's a mermaid, dude."
Jim: "Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz."

Jim Levenstein in American Pie - 1

The Little Mermaid

Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

Michelle Flaherty in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Finch: "Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?"
Stifler: "Because I'm surprised to see you don't have t*ts."

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Steve Stifler in American Pie - 3: The Wedding

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The human world... it's a mess.

Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

Ocean

Time without purpose is a prison.

Jessica in Rick and Morty - Season 5 Episode 1

Every time you kiss me, it's like sunshine and whiskey.

Frankie Ballard - Sunshine & Whiskey

Whiskey

If you want more sex, just ask for it.

Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries

Sex Erotic Quotes

Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.

Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder

Turkeys

The best Quotes from American Pie

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