The best Quotes from American Pie

I got some scotch. Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

Vicky: "I want it to be the right time, the right place."
Jessica: "It's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex."

"Dude that chick's a MILF!"
"What to hell is that?"
"M-I-L-F: Mom I'd like to f*ck!"

My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you f*ckers learn anything in college?

If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

Finch: "So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?"
Stifler's Mom: "Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?"

Stifler's Mom: "You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy."
Finch: "Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris."
Stifler's Mom: "And the pool table."
Finch: "And the car."
Stifler's Mom: "And the two-room suite I have upstairs."

Finch: "Oh, Jeanine!"
Jeanine: "Call me Stifler's Mom!"

Jim, get some f*cking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?

I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.

She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away!

Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.

Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Jim: "Here's an easy one, okay: 'Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion.' Attractive: ugly."
Oz: "Fun-loving: insane."
Kevin: "Unlisted age plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'."
Jim: "No, 'charming' is old. 'Older' is really old. 'Youthful mind' is dead."

I say, why don't you guys locate your d-cks, remove the shrink wrap, and f*cking use them!

Jim: "Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think that underneath all the 'f*cks' and 'sh*ts' and 'blow me's', there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think."
Michelle: "Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain."

Michelle: "How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?"
Jim: "How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?"
Michelle: "I'm still a nympho."
Jim: "Well, I'm still a perv."

You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Finch: "Let me handle this. These are my people."
Stifler: "They're gay?"
Finch: "No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated."
Stifler: "So, they're gay."

I would like to make an announcement - there is a gorgeous woman mast-rbating on my bed!

Jim, you're the only guy I know who's d-ck needs an instruction manual.

You realise we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Jim's Dad: "Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it 'making love'?"
Michelle: "I don't know. I just call it 'boning'."
Jim's Dad: "Boning? Well, when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?"
Michelle: "Horny, like I wanna bone."
Jim's Dad: "But, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear."
Michelle: "Oh, you've never tried it?"
Jim's Dad: "I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion."

Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby!

Oz: "All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit."
Stifler: "I dunno, man, that... sounds like a lot of work!"

Stifler: "Mother f*cker!"
Finch: "Yes I am."
Stifler: "Oh, you son of a b*tch!"

No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

Cadence: "Can I see the ring?"
Stifler: "Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket."
Cadence: "Okay, Frodo."

This one time, at band camp...

God bless the internet!

Michelle: "Good Jim. Oh, you're making me wet."
Jim: "Holy shit, really?"
Michelle: "No, I was just saying that so you could practice."

This is my first time, since my first time.

Stifler: "There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?"
Jim: "What am I supposed to do, Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?"
Stifler: "Yeah!"

Hey Stifler, why dont you grow a sack, fill it with some balls, magically sprout a d-ck and start f*cking yourself in the ass?

Vicky: "Hey, Kevin. I want to have sex."
Kevin: "Now?"
Vicky: "Prom."

I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady.

My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Stifler: "Observe the f*ckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?"
Jim: "He uses the f-word excessively?"
Stifler: "Thanks man."

Jim: "Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!"
Oz: "She's a mermaid, dude."
Jim: "Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz."

Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

Finch: "Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?"
Stifler: "Because I'm surprised to see you don't have t*ts."

Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

The human world... it's a mess.

Time without purpose is a prison.

Every time you kiss me, it's like sunshine and whiskey.

If you want more sex, just ask for it.

Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.