I got some scotch. Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.WhiskeyAmerican Pie - 1, by Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom
We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.American Pie - 1, by Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad
Vicky: "I want it to be the right time, the right place."
Jessica: "It's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex."
"Dude that chick's a MILF!"
"What to hell is that?"
"M-I-L-F: Mom I'd like to f-ck!"
My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.American Pie - 2, by Kevin Myers
When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you f-ckers learn anything in college?American Pie - 2, by Steve Stifler
If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.American Pie - 2, by Jessica
It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. What you want is a partner to return the ball.American Pie - 1, by Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad
Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.American Pie - 3: The Wedding, by Michelle Flaherty
No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.SexAmerican Pie - 2, by Michelle Flaherty
Finch: "So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?"
Stifler's Mom: "Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?"
Stifler's Mom: "You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy."
Finch: "Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris."
Stifler's Mom: "And the pool table."
Finch: "And the car."
Stifler's Mom: "And the two-room suite I have upstairs."
Finch: "Oh, Jeanine!"
Jeanine: "Call me Stifler's Mom!"
Jim, get some f-cking balls. If you can't bring yourself to photograph a naked chick, how the hell are you ever gonna sleep with one?American Pie - 1, by Steve Stifler
I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.MasturbationAmerican Pie - 1, by Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad
She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!American Pie - 1, by Jim Levenstein
Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away!American Pie - 2, by Steve Stifler
Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.American Pie - 2, by Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad
Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?American Pie - 1, by Jim Levenstein
Jim: "Here's an easy one, okay: 'Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion.' Attractive: ugly."
Oz: "Fun-loving: insane."
Kevin: "Unlisted age plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'."
Jim: "No, 'charming' is old. 'Older' is really old. 'Youthful mind' is dead."
I say, why don't you guys locate your d-cks, remove the shrink wrap, and f-cking use them!American Pie - 1, by Steve Stifler
Jim: "Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think that underneath all the 'f-cks' and 'shits' and 'blow me's', there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think."
Michelle: "Oh, Jim... you gotta stop mast-rbating... it's melting your brain."
Michelle: "How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?"
Jim: "How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?"
Michelle: "I'm still a nympho."
Jim: "Well, I'm still a perv."
You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.American Pie - 2, by Michelle Flaherty
Finch: "Let me handle this. These are my people."
Stifler: "They're gay?"
Finch: "No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated."
Stifler: "So, they're gay."
I would like to make an announcement - there is a gorgeous woman mast-rbating on my bed!American Pie - 1, by Jim Levenstein
Jim, you're the only guy I know who's d-ck needs an instruction manual.American Pie - 2, by Steve Stifler
You realise we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.American Pie - 1, by Jim Levenstein
Jim's Dad: "Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it 'making love'?"
Michelle: "I don't know. I just call it 'boning'."
Jim's Dad: "Boning? Well, when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?"
Michelle: "Horny, like I wanna bone."
Jim's Dad: "But, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear."
Michelle: "Oh, you've never tried it?"
Jim's Dad: "I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion."
Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby!American Pie - 2, by Steve Stifler
Oz: "All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit."
Stifler: "I dunno, man, that... sounds like a lot of work!"
Stifler: "Mother f-cker!"
Finch: "Yes I am."
Stifler: "Oh, you son of a b-tch!"
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!American Pie - 1, by Kevin Myers
Cadence: "Can I see the ring?"
Stifler: "Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket."
Cadence: "Okay, Frodo."
This one time, at band camp...American Pie - 1, by Michelle Flaherty
God bless the internet!InternetAmerican Pie - 1, by Paul Finch
Michelle: "Good Jim. Oh, you're making me wet."
Jim: "Holy shit, really?"
Michelle: "No, I was just saying that so you could practice."
This is my first time, since my first time.American Pie - 2, by Jim Levenstein
Stifler: "There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not going to do anything about it?"
Jim: "What am I supposed to do, Stifler, broadcast her over the internet?"
Hey Stifler, why dont you grow a sack, fill it with some balls, magically sprout a d-ck and start f-cking yourself in the ass?American Pie - 3: The Wedding, by Paul Finch
Vicky: "Hey, Kevin. I want to have sex."
I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady.American Pie - 1, by Chuck "Sherminator" Sherman
My d-ck looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.American Pie - 3: The Wedding, by Steve Stifler
Stifler: "Observe the f-ckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?"
Jim: "He uses the f-word excessively?"
Stifler: "Thanks man."
Jim: "Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!"
Oz: "She's a mermaid, dude."
Jim: "Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz."
Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.American Pie - 3: The Wedding, by Michelle Flaherty
Finch: "Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?"
Stifler: "Because I'm surprised to see you don't have tits."
Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.American Pie - 3: The Wedding, by Steve Stifler