Amazon Alexa - The funniest Commands

"Is Santa Claus real?"
Alexa: "All I know is that someone has been eating all my cookies."

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and true love. Don't even try to tell me different.

Parker, I'm your mother. Mothers don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or santa's not gonna bring you anything for christmas.

Don't be surprised if you wake up in a big brown bag one day. That only means that Santa finally fulfilled my wish.

I heard there's an old man going around offering gifts to children without asking for compensation. Is that what you call an act of kindness? Fascinating.

Papa Elf: "Silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus."
Buddy: "What?! Well, who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?"
Papa Elf: "Well, there's a rumor floating around that the parents do it."

Santa knows Physics: Of all colors, Red Light penetrates fog best. That's why Benny the Blue-nosed reindeer never got the gig.

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?
Nothing, it's on the house!

Christians are like a thirteen year old kid who still believes in Santa.

Santa can't always give a child what they want. 'Cause the child will grow up, become an adult, and realize that a Chanel bag costs a month's wage for most people. Which is the result of just a few people having far too much money.

On a very special night every year, legend has it that a jolly old man in a red suit flies through the air and brings gifts, laughter, and joy to children everywhere.

I'm sending you this message in times of capitalism, consumption and presents to remind you of the true meaning of Christmas:
The birth of Santa Claus. Merry Christmas!

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Why are you so serious? What's wrong with believing and liking stuff like Santa Claus and magic, even when you're a bit older?

On Christmas Eve, many years ago, I lay quietly in my bed. I did not rustle the sheets. I breathed slowly and silently. I was listening for a sound I was afraid I'd never hear. The ringing bells of Santa's sleigh.

May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.

Dear Santa, I have been nice all year.
Most of the time.
Once in awhile.
Never mind, I'll buy my own stuff.

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?

Dear Santa, before I explain... how much do you know already?

Who can eat millions of cookies in one night and not get fat? Well, I can.

The village houses over a million elves. Now, if you combine Amazon, FedEx, the postal service, and UPS with every manufacturing company in the world, and they quadrupled their output for an entire year, well, you just might be getting close to what we can accomplish here in Santa's Village in a single day.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Just saw a three-year-old with a t-shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist. But that's okay, I can't read."

My parents told me not to lie. All I'm saying is: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.

Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people only once a year.

Of course there is a Santa Claus. It's just that no single somebody could do all he has to do. So the Lord has spread the task among us all. That's why everybody is Santa Claus. I am. You are.

They err who thinks Santa Claus comes down through the chimney; he really enters through the heart.

The Santa Claus, a symbol of love and peace, touches our hearts during this reflective time. With his friendly smile and his big sack full of gifts, he brings joy to the world. Children and adults believe in his magic, which unites us all. May Santa Claus always remain in our hearts, reminding us that the true gift is love.

Christmas Eve is like a marathon for Santa Claus. He sprints from house to house to deliver gifts. But sometimes, even he goes off track: getting stuck in chimneys, losing his sleigh, or even forgetting where he parked his reindeer! At the end of the day, he's completely exhausted, but happy to have brought joy to people all around the world.

Santa Claus has a tough job. He has to deliver millions of presents every year, climb down chimneys, and give instructions to reindeer. And all of this while wearing an oversized red coat! No wonder he's so fit - he has the best job for a fitness program!

Once, in the frosty winter nights, an old man with a flowing beard and sparkling eyes roamed through the snowy forests. He was the Santa Claus, carrying gifts from house to house to bring joy to people. In his magnificent red cloak and with his faithful reindeer sleigh, he spread hope and warmth in the cold world.

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection.

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

I like to read biographies of authors that I love, like Richard Yates. I also like to see what non-fiction authors are out there. My bible is Something Happened. It's one of the greatest books I've ever read. But if I don't read a Dostoevsky soon I'm going to kill myself.

For 45 years I've worked without an audience.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

My parents were my worst audience.

I think a night like tonight shows a lot of young girls and young boys that if you can shoot you can shoot. It doesn't matter if you're a girl or a boy, I think it just matters the heart that you have and wanting to be the best that you can be.

I'm looking to do everything that I possibly can to get better in every aspect, whether that's scoring, defending, rebounding, passing, i'm really just excited to be playing against professionals and learning from them and just seeing where that takes me.

Sky is the limit for her and what she can do on the court, in terms of her impact in the game but also the court as well... It's been fun to watch her journey.

I grew up watching Kobe Bryant game after game, ring after ring, living his greatness without apology.

May their light forever shine. Kobe, Gigi, I love you forever. Thank you.