Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 20
Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."
Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.TeethAlan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 10 Episode 2
Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!Las VegasAlan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 8
Walden: "Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money."
Alan: "Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns."
Lindsey: "You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!"
Alan: "And thank god for that!"
I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 1
[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 1
I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 8
What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!StarbucksAlan Harper in Two and a half Men
I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 1