The best Quotes by Alan Harper

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 20

Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Two and a half Men - Season 10 Episode 2

Teeth

Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 8

Las Vegas

Walden: "Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money."
Alan: "Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns."

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 4

Lindsey: "You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!"
Alan: "And thank god for that!"

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 4

I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

Pamela Anderson

[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 8

What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!

Two and a half Men

Starbucks

I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.

Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

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Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 24

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 18

Alcohol

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 15

Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 12

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Turtles

Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 6

Kitchen Being naked

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 5

Gambling

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Alan: "What?"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 3

Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"

Judith Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 3

Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 2

Charlie: "You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!"
Jake: "No lie?"
Charlie: "Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 1

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 1

Alan: "Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?"
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.

Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?

Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Charlie: "Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a wh*re-house."
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Charlie: "Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise."
Berta: "You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?"

Berta in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 13

Charlie: "With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around."
Alan: "Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?"
Charlie: "No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 17

Jake: "Boy! Is your eye red."
Charlie: "You should see it from in here."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 1

Alan: "You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?"
Charlie: "Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Jake: "We had a surprise test today."
Alan: "And?"
Jake: "I was really surprised."

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 19

Surprises

Charlie: "Oh never again, never again."
Berta: "You gonna stop drinking?"
Charlie: "Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!"

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Alcohol

Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Feelings & Emotions

Jake: "It means 'sexually transmitted disease'."
Charlie: "I know what STD's are!"
Alan: "Your uncle helped invent them."
Jake: "You know, they can be prevented by using a condom."
Charlie: "I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer."
Jake: "I don't understand."
Charlie: "Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you."
Jake: "Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: "You must be so proud."
Jake: "Ballpeen or claw hammer?"
Alan: "Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 6 Episode 18

It's great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.

Pamela Anderson

Natural beauty takes at least two hours in front of a mirror.

Pamela Anderson

Beauty

My hair was so much a part of my personality and all my photo shoots. I hid behind my hair. And then, I just decided I was okay with myself. To have short hair and really show my face is even more revealing than anything. It's a statement - not to everyone else, more to myself. I'm just ready to get out from behind my hair and be myself.

Pamela Anderson

Tattoos are like stories - they're symbolic of the important moments in your life. Sitting down, talking about where you got each tattoo and what it symbolizes, is really beautiful.

Pamela Anderson

Tattoos

You don't have to brush all your teeth - just the ones you intend on keeping.

Teeth Dentists

We stole the Statue of Liberty! The small one, from Las Vegas. I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower - also Vegas.

Gru in Despicable Me

Las Vegas

Hercules, huh? That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn - there he is.

Rick Riordan in Percy Jackson - The Heroes of Olympus 3: The Mark of Athena

Hercules Starbucks

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 6 Episode 3

Alcohol Brain

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Berta in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 4

Ex Quotes

If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

The best Quotes by Alan Harper

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