Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.
Max Black - Season 2 Episode 2
9Do you think we can convince them that slapping each other's face is the new high five?
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 7
5Han Lee: "Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 11
4Max: "Hi, ready to order?"
Guest: "Do you have anything that's really special?"
Max: "Not according to my high school guidance counselor."
Guest: "Do you have anything that's really special?"
Max: "Not according to my high school guidance counselor."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 2
4Max: "Earl, can you break some 20s? The big spenders at table two wanna split their $11 check three ways - even though one person did all the eating."
Earl: "I was in a three-way once. Same thing happened."
Earl: "I was in a three-way once. Same thing happened."
Earl Washington - Season 1 Episode 12
3Earl: "Max, what is the worst sentence you ever want to come out of Han's mouth?"
Max: "I got you pregnant?"
Earl: "Come on, bad, bad."
Max: "I got you pregnant again?"
Max: "I got you pregnant?"
Earl: "Come on, bad, bad."
Max: "I got you pregnant again?"
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 4
3That girl is workin' harder than Stephen Hawking tryin' to put in a pair of cufflinks.
Earl Washington - Season 1 Episode 1
3Max: "How old are you gonna be?"
Earl: "75"
Max: "Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger..."
Earl: "75"
Max: "Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger..."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1
2I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay.
You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad.
And finally, you think this is the sound that gets you service. I think, this is the sound that dries up my v-gina.
You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad.
And finally, you think this is the sound that gets you service. I think, this is the sound that dries up my v-gina.
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1
2Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 10
2Caroline: "I'm much more concerned with our business and getting my head back above water. Men will come sooner or later."
Max: "Well, according to my research most men come sooner."
Max: "Well, according to my research most men come sooner."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 7
2This neighborhood is definitely on the rise. I remember a time when a black man couldn't get a cab around here. And that time was Wednesday.
Earl Washington - Season 1 Episode 7
2Han Lee: "Hipsters like karaoke!"
Max: "Replace the word 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you got the three worst things in history."
Max: "Replace the word 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you got the three worst things in history."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 4
2Caroline: "No need to yell, he's a champion."
Max: "Champion stink bomb. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard."
Caroline: "That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn."
Max: "Okay, well, I'm watching 'The Champion' drop some steaming hot 'Brooklyn' right now."
Max: "Champion stink bomb. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard."
Caroline: "That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn."
Max: "Okay, well, I'm watching 'The Champion' drop some steaming hot 'Brooklyn' right now."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 2
2Caroline: "What'd you see in that guy, anyway?"
Max: "He had these muscle thingies."
Caroline: "Oh, those things?"
Max: "Yeah. I don't know what those are called, but they make smart girls stupid."
Max: "He had these muscle thingies."
Caroline: "Oh, those things?"
Max: "Yeah. I don't know what those are called, but they make smart girls stupid."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1
2Han Lee: "Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty."
Max: "What's that from? Dr. Seuss' 'oh, the places you'll put it in'?"
Max: "What's that from? Dr. Seuss' 'oh, the places you'll put it in'?"
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 8
1I think it'd be better for everyone, including my immune system, if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing and not the apron, 'cause this is Chanel.
Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 1
1Robbie: "I'm Robbie."
Caroline: "I'm uncomfortable. You're getting me wet."
Robbie: "That's the point."
Caroline: "I'm uncomfortable. You're getting me wet."
Robbie: "That's the point."
Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 1
You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sl-ts!
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 21
Listen, hit me with one more dead president and you'll be six feet under with Biggie and Tupac. You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?
Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 17
Han Lee: "Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude."
Max: "There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two double-A batteries and a 20-minute break."
Max: "There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two double-A batteries and a 20-minute break."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 12
Oleg: "If I knew we were gonna have staff meetings after work, I would've taken job at T.G.I. Friday instead. Over there, they roll fast and loose."
Han Lee: "Well, this is how I roll."
Max: "Yeah, short and slow."
Han Lee: "No, I roll fast and furious... Tokyo Drift style."
Han Lee: "Well, this is how I roll."
Max: "Yeah, short and slow."
Han Lee: "No, I roll fast and furious... Tokyo Drift style."
Han Lee - Season 1 Episode 12
Max: "I kissed Johnny."
Caroline: "What? When?"
Max: "He came by the apartment right after you left."
Caroline: "I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do - shine a bat symbol on your v*gina?"
Caroline: "What? When?"
Max: "He came by the apartment right after you left."
Caroline: "I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do - shine a bat symbol on your v*gina?"
Caroline Channing - Season 1 Episode 9
Last time I was at the gold space loft, I went to a poetry slam and I wound up slamming a poet.
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 9
Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian, she would be the last 'les' I'd 'be in'.
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 2
Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob. Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals and crack wh*res. But then he took it over and ruined it.
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1
Guest: "Excuse me, where is my waitress?"
[Paulina moaning]
Max Black: "She's coming."
[Paulina moaning]
Max Black: "She's coming."
Max Black - Season 1 Episode 1
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I'll cry at the end of the day. Not with fresh makeup.
The bigger the lie, the more people believe in it.
A cow is a cow, no matter how many instagram filters you put on it.
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2Everyone is shaving their p*ssy. And hipsters these days have beards. So society has the same amount of hair, just on different c*nts.